As excited as I was to leap off the cliff into the unknown, the realities of leaving my ten-year career, moving cross-country, and leaving for a three-month trip to New Zealand, Fiji and Australia has been a rollercoaster of a ride. I knew going into this journey that it constituted a serious life change, when I do something I am an “all in” kind of girl- for better or worse. With all major life changes there is the good and the bad; not “bad” so much, I am trying to get away from using such black and white terms, but let’s say different than my expectations.
I am into the 3rd week of not working and I have more time on my hands than I can ever remember. Since my teens I have been a go go go type of person. Always restless, always filling my schedule with work and social commitments to the brim. Pretty much running away from any unpleasant part of life or any time for self-introspection. I have purposely given myself six weeks before my three-month trip to NZ to acclimate and slow down. I want to face and fight my depression head on and allow my spirit and body to rest. Going from 200mph to 0 is quite the experience, one I knew would be difficult but completely necessary if I was ever going to truly find myself, find my purpose and ultimately find peace.
Alas, with plenty of uncommitted time in your day and wonderful distraction-free self-introspection then comes the bubbling up of long held emotions. Sometimes just the amount of time to feel can be a little intimidating and overwhelming. Dealing with issues I thought long and buried can be uncomfortable, but finally being able to release some of those ghosts, one by one, makes me feel light and day by day there is a little more peace than anxiety.
The hours of the day mean nothing, nor the days of the week. I am floating in a different dimension, one where I make my priorities- not my company or extremely over packed social obligations. I feel like I am slowly waking up in my own skin and I love it. I am finding the balance between feeling more and thinking less, allowing myself to enjoy all the unique moments of every day. To find peace in every step is an interesting dichotomy between extremely easy and extremely difficult, but I am so glad that I took the risk to find it- and am- daily.
“Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this a wonderful moment!” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh